You know you’re a goner when he accidentally leaves his shirt at your apartment, and you (know it’s wrong and weird…but you) sniff the collar to get a whiff of his intoxicating scent, or when you secretly kiss his picture (that you’ve hidden beneath your bed so he doesn’t see it when he comes over). It’s the things you do when he’s not around that make you realize how much you really do like the guy you’ve been dating, sleeping with, etc., etc.

And then there’s that “Oh, shit!” moment, the moment you give him your heart all wrapped up in baggage and bitterness, and he unwraps it ever-so-nicely and then stuffs it in his back pocket for easy access. You know, it’s that moment he does something so unexpectedly wonderful that you know he’s the one you want to be with “forever and ever.” It’s the moment you wave your little white flag, and say, “Ok, ok, you’ve got me. I love you, you son of a bitch!” Yep! That’s the moment!

And once he’s got it, it takes just a tiny bit longer to realize that the guy you think is absolutely “the one” is actually the same guy that’s using your little gift as a big rubber ball to shoot a few hoops at the park with his friends on weekends.

He’ll make a basket or two. He’ll sink a three-pointer from time to time, and you’ll applaud, and jump up and down, and maybe even do a little victory dance. But sure as my name is Paula, he’ll miss a few. My good friend Loretta calls them “Butthead Moments,” but I like to call them, “What-the-hell-were-you-thinking-you-stupid-stupid-man?”

So if he has no desire to take a few lessons, practice day in and day out, and listen to his coach (that would be you)…if he keeps on throwing air-balls – one after the other – is it time for you to the throw in the towel or should you take some time to rewrite your gameplan?

Well, as I see it, there’s always the timeout option. Timeouts are tricky, however, because when the buzzer goes off, and it’s time to jump back in, your heart is still in his court.

How do you get your heart back without a scratch? How do you find a professional, a man who knows how to make a slam dunk every time?

First of all, you have to think of yourself as the winner. Hell, he’s the one throwing air-balls, right?? When you realize that he’s not as good as he looks, it will be easier to get your heart back.

Second, you have to feel good about yourself. Whatever it takes. Whether it be teeth-whitening, psychotherapy or merengue, you have to put a smile on your face – without having to see his – because confidence is the best flirtation policy.

So, turn your frown upside down, throw on a hoochie halter and get the hell out of your room because sitting and sulking won’t get you anywhere – literally.

But, please, don’t be self-destructive. Don’t over-consume anything – including chocolate, cheese, cosmos and men. Be self-assured. Choose wisely, and make sure he knows that he doesn’t have a shot – unless he knows how to shoot. The ball’s in your court now, baby!

This entry was posted on Monday, August 8th, 2005 at 7:39 pm and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.