Consider this: After excessive martini intake on an empty stomach, your so-called “better” judgment inevitably disappears, and sans hesitation, you agree to accompany your Friday-night date back to his apartment to “watch a little TV and sober up” before stumbling on home. Fine, no problem.

When you arrive at his dorm-room-esque studio, he asks (wearing a devilish grin) if you’d like another mixed drink. Sleepy, queasy, and far from sober, you fervently decline his offer. He shrugs, fixes himself another vodka cocktail, and invites you to cozy up next to him on his laundry-laden sofa. You apprehensively accept his invitation and attempt to make yourself “comfortable.” He then places his right hand on your leg, his left arm around your neck, and his liquor-laced lips upon your mouth, artlessly executing the legendary, let’s-make-out-right-now move. Again, you accept, more hesitantly this time, gradually regaining your alcohol-impaired common sense. Unfortunately, however, your levelheadedness arrives too late.

Before you could gather your things, excuse yourself, and get the hell out of there, your intoxicated date (without permission and/or warning) stands up, unzips his pants, and exposes his boxerless, briefless nether region to your unsuspecting eyes.

Is it utter disgust and jaw-dropping surprise that you feel? Has your comfort zone been disrupted? Was his action unwanted, unwarranted? Is your date over? Let’s hope so.

This undeniably probable encounter, both uncomfortable and completely awkward, makes me wonder if our highly regarded ‘personal space’ is steadily shrinking, leaving more than enough room for outsiders (and ‘nuts’) to enter without asking? Is a knock at the door too much to ask for these days?

Invasion of the personal kind is indeed a common occurrence in Overpopulated Cesspool City (otherwise known as NYC). Take the City’s subway system, for example. It’s the perfect place to view, participate in and/or become a victim of personal-space invasion. In fact, just about a week ago, within the confines of a tightly packed rush-hour train, it happened to me: A dreadfully obese woman deliberately attacked me with her notably large bum.

Hot, sweaty, and in my post-work, don’t-talk-to-me, space-out zone, I stood behind her on the train, quietly maintaining my balance and distance, traveling peacefully through my la-la iPod land, and ignoring all the obnoxiously talkative, perspiring people around me…

Then, SUDDENLY, without a smidgen of notice, the overweight woman decided to swoop down, thrust her tubby tushie into my soda-filled belly and sort leisurely through her oversized, over-stuffed shopping bags.

Thus, I was stuck…between a butt and another man’s hard place. You can only imagine the discomfort (and rage) I felt.

Nothing. She gave me nothing. No warning, no “excuse me,” no “watch out, please,” not even a throat-clearing cough to arouse my attention, and I certainly didn’t receive an apology. It was…oh yes…space invasion at its best.

Now let’s move on to what’s really been bothering me. I like to call it the “Attack of the ‘Affectionate’ People.”

Do you remember your friend’s last apartment party? Good. Now, readjust your focus and zoom in on your entrance and exit. While saying hello and goodbye…

1. Did the host (your friend), his/her friends, and other drunken, unrecognizable party-goers give you a big XO, XX, XXO, or XXX?
2. Did you feel socially pressured to return the hug(s) and/or airkiss(es) just because it seemed situationally appropriate and polite?

If you anwered yes to both questions, then the faux-affectionate, personal-space-invading people have reached you, too. But don’t worry, they mean no harm.

When ‘attacked’ by a person’s pucker or phony embrace, you may feel a bit uneasy if unaccustomed to this form of lovey-dovey greeting. You may even panic: How do I prevent a mouth-on-mouth collision? Which cheek do I kiss first? Is it one kiss or two? Two kisses or three? A hug and a kiss? A kiss and a hug?

If it’s so damn complicated, stressful and time-consuming (a proper kiss-kiss-hug session may take up to 15 minutes or more), why do we do it? Is it closeness that we subconsciously seek? Is it simply the social standard now? Or, is it just a passing trend for posh party-goers?

Whatever it is, this très-European salutation system (merci to the French) has infiltrated the U.S. party scene, and there’s little to nothing we can do about it, except, of course, counterattack. You know, give ‘em a little “back-off-now-or-I’ll-scream” scare. Here are a few party-tested combat strategies that have worked for me:

1. The Big Bear Hug.
2. The Sloppy Smooch.
3. The Funny Face.
4. The Uncontrollable Cough.
And my personal favorite…
5. The Giant Wave. (Simply raise your hand, wave, and say, “Hello, everyone!” Or, “Goodbye, everyone!” This one really works. My sister uses it all the time.)

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a cold, cruel woman who abhors affection. I’m actually a ‘happy hugger’: I give heartfelt hugs to friends and family when I’m happy to see them (or just plain happy). But I never squeeze those who are hug-opposed.

Bottom line, hug me if you’re excited to see me. Give me a great, big kiss! I don’t care what you do as long as you do it like you mean it.

It’s the faux-affectionate folks who irk me. The airkissers. The back patters. What’s the reason for this type of contact? Is it really that enjoyable? We’re not in France!

It’s just getting out of control. When you arrive at a party or before you leave, you feel obligated to kiss and/or hug everyone there. And if you don’t, you feel like you’re going to offend someone, and trust me, no one wants to be the unkissed outcast.

Personal space is precious and should be preserved, and the only way to stop it from disappearing completely is to show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Give those affection who want it. Ask if you’re not sure.

Let’s all try to keep our mouths to ourselves, our butts in check, and our pants on, k?

This entry was posted on Monday, September 5th, 2005 at 9:06 pm and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.